Did you know that research shows that opposites tend to attract to each other in relationships?
The crazy thing is that when it comes to money and certain spending habits; savers, who commonly spend less than they would like to spend, and spenders who generally spend more than they would rather spend, tend to marry each other, in fact that’s true for me!
We are more likely to be attracted to partners who possess characteristics different to those we don’t really like in ourselves. You’d think that they would complement each other and you’d get the best of both worlds? Not in most cases… and after working with hundreds of couples over the years… the reality is that it can cause huge gaps in the relationship.
They don’t have money talks – they have money shouts! Why? When there is a breakdown of communication about money, 9 out of 10 times it is because they have never been taught basic money tools and strategies to be able to work with each other’s money personality. “They just don’t get me”… I hear this all the time.
There are seldom any two people who will have the exact same opinion about how much to spend. Now, they can reach a compromise, which usually ends up to be overspending from the point of view of one and over saving from the point of view of the other.
Help! We have 2 different financial habits, what can we do? Here are 2 easy quick solutions for you:
You have to have a planned spending strategy (AKA = Budget 😉 Look over it every 6-12 months to review any changes, whether that be in income or spending.
You have to have at a minimum – a 3 part banking system; yours, mine and ours. You both pay a quota of your income into the common account; prorated based on your relative salaries. All joint expenses, out of the joint account, must be by agreement. When it comes to spending your personal, what I call your ‘ME Account’, that’s yours to spend however you please, no discussion required. That way if one partner wants to spend on something the other sees as wasteful, there is no impact on the household finances.
I have worked with a lot of couples around money. Depending on your upbringing and money beliefs it really starts with; who is in control? Who is in charge? What effect does that have on the other partner? What fears are called to mind? How much force (emotional or otherwise) is the more threatened party willing to exercise for self-protection?
Now you are not going to be consciously picturing it this way, but really, these are the issues that are at stake.
Power and control are important because they relate to our identity, security and freedom. Having our own identity is vital in all relationships. A couple’s love for each other supports each one’s identity, but differences in power threaten to undermine it, and this comes from our money personality and beliefs.
I see relationships where there is clearly a ‘white knight’ that wants to take care of the other. That’s great, but and this is a big BUT…. At what cost? If you are going to sustain your money relationship with yourself you also have to be your own white knight. Too many women come to me after a failed relationship and they do not know how to take care of themselves.
How about security? This is super important, is there enough of it? The more insecure a person is, the more they are threatened by money decisions that are not under their control.
And lastly….Freedom! For most this is non-negotiable for growth and self-expression, once identity and security are handled. Control of spending is control of freedom. Don’t fence me in.
Knowing what your money personality is the key to having the “Money Talk” rather than the “Money Shout”. Want to know what yours is?
Sign up for my new online program;
I’ll help you understand how you can leverage your unique relationship with cash to create a personalized approach to spending; saving and investing that’ll actually work for you! Getting clear about your money personality is crucial to financial bliss. Trust me, I’ve been there!